New Words

So the healing process has begun; I don't feel pain like before. Now I'm smiling and flirting... oh how I'm flirting! I'm loving every minute of it; but is it real? Every word I say is genuine, every time I say it. Sounds like a crush. It terrifies me. I just know this won't go my way. All my previous misconceptions about Happily Ever After are scattered. My whole belief system has been tossed into a whirlwind of letters and lies and scattered to the different corners of the earth, leaving me to pick up the pieces when I can find them and create new ones, as I go. 

I hear new words, in a new voice, from a new mouth. And try to believe them. I do everything I possibly can not to hear the echoes of those old lies from that old double edged tongue. I try to convince myself that they are not all the same; that they all shouldn't pay for what he did to me. I can't go around pinning old wounds on new words. I mustn't. It's just not fair to. But here I am searching through every syllable, every slight of tongue, waiting for the old words to burst from the mouth and stab me. 

Oh I'm moving on. I am stronger than ever before. I just need a slower tone now. I need the patient slur of lips, the slow curl of tongue over teeth and a whisper, instead of yell. In time, slow time, gentle time... These new sweet nothings may make the old painful words fade. Time, Is that too much to ask for?

Shhhhhhhhhh don't answer that. 

A tower just for me

I try to be a brick walled tower; I try so hard to build this tower around me. A tower with walls so high that he can not climb or jump. Walls so thick that nothing can penetrate, no one can get through. My lack of trust has done this to me, I know. He has made me like this. If only my tower could keep him out, as it was intended to do. But no, every now and then I let down my guard, just a little bit. I peek over my wall and see him and think, "yes, maybe today he is sincere". 

I'm always wrong. He swears to me that he isn't lying, that I can trust him, that he would never hurt me. But he is lying. every time. every word. He proves it, over and over again. How can I trust him when every lie that seeps out of his mouth hurts me? And he says he would never hurt me? He cries, he uses words that I would pay to hear, if they were true. He makes promises and he breaks them. He asks why won't I trust him when he's promising. And I tell him, he has broken every promise he has ever made to me, so how can I trust him now? 

He doesn't listen. Oh he pretends to. and he is so convincing when he pretends. But it's only while it suits his needs; meets his purpose. and when that's done, he goes right back to lying and forgetting everything he has said. I'm tired of believing now. I don't have the stamina for it. the let down is too draining. I'm exhausted by wondering if he's being real, or not. I just won't do it anymore. I have a life to live, a son to raise, a heart to heal.

sometimes I wonder if I will ever heal. I look at myself and try to find the answer, but all I see is a broken woman that can't trust even herself, her own heart, to make a better choice next time. So I stare into the mirror and I promise myself never to love like that again. I swear I'll never let it get that far, let anyone get that close. My love like that is gone now. I gave it a good shot, I tried, I put every thing I had into that love and it betrayed me. I'll never make that mistake again.

So maybe this tower I've built is getting higher. Maybe my walls are getting thicker. People may think this is detrimental, but I don't care. The safest place for me to be is inside these walls, locked in this tower, with my son; the only love I'll ever have forever.

you may think it's pathetic, but I think of it as self preservation. Inside this tower, I can't hear the echo of his words.