It has to drop...

I'm so tired. it's meeting after meeting, court case upon case, heartbreak just piling up. I find myself staring at him through the corner of my eye wondering who this man is. I feel myself bouncing from memory to reality and really just wishing memory was enough to carry me through. I remember all of those times we laughed; all of the times it was just him and I against the world. And that was enough. I remember words...words dripping from his pen, his fingertips; love letters that were all I ever needed to read to believe in fairy tales. I read these letters now, just once and I see beyond the ink, beyond the words and I see the truth; oh how I hate the truth sometimes.

everyone keeps asking me what I want. Lawyers, mediators, him.... I always say I want what's right for my son. it's all about my son because if I could say what I really want, I'd say... I want to be able to look at him and believe again. I want to look at him and not be so hurt by his lack of devotion to my son, to our past, to me. I want to be able to sleep again with out tossing and turning and waking time and time again from nightmares. I want to be able to walk down the street with out looking over my shoulder. I want to see blue skies and sunshine instead of the cloud he has cast over my life. I want to feel safe and loved. I want to trust someone, anyone! I want peace. I want to let go and move on. I want to heal. I want to forget.

I want the other shoe to drop, it has to drop! I can't keep sitting here clawing my freckles off, tearing my heart out wondering when this is going to end. I can't keep bottling these tears in; I'm drowning in them! I can't keep pretending I'm not devastated by this. I feel like I'm choking on all the words I never said and never will. I'm suffocating on all his lies... I'm suffocating, I'm suffocating, I'm suffocating...It has to drop; it has to stop...

Before I am consumed by an emotion I've never allowed myself to really feel ;

Hate.

Trouble, time and tears

Twenty years, twenty years, twenty years. That keeps going through my mind. that's how long I loved him; how long he loved me. My best friend, my greatest fan and now, my downfall. I never thought I was naive before, or gullible. I knew that down deep inside I was far too sensitive for my own good, that my emotions would get the best of me, but I never really thought that I was naive.

Now I see that I was; that all of my life I have believed in people, put my faith in people...it didn't really matter who the person was; I'd believe in him or her. "Everyone has some good in them" I thought, "you just have to peel back the layers to find it, sometimes". Now I know better. My once flower child heart is now hardening. No more is the girl that would just believe. I'm done with believing. I have no faith. People are to me now, just trouble, time and tears...and I don't have the stamina for it.

Oh how I long for the days when I could close my eyes and see a fairytale. The days where I had someone to believe in; a fantasy, a dream, a friend. Now all I see are double edged swords, crossed fingers and chicken hawks that prey on the weak and vulnerable. Now all I see is me, being weak and vulnerable and everyone seems to want a piece of that.

Everyone I talk to wants me to trust them, to lean on them, to share with them. But I can't. One more betrayal will break me. Even the people I have known forever don't ring true anymore. "What is it they can gain from this?" I question. "how can they use this to hurt me?" I wonder. and I back away, quietly. I don't trust you. because if the one person that I have believed in and trusted for twenty years can hurt me like this, what can you do to me?

I want my rose colored glasses back. I want my faith back. I want the stuff back that he stole and pawned. But most of all, I want my poetry back you fucking chicken hawk! You do not deserve it! 

Twenty years, twenty years, twenty years... I want my twenty years back. I could have used them on someone else that truly deserved them.