Trouble, time and tears

Twenty years, twenty years, twenty years. That keeps going through my mind. that's how long I loved him; how long he loved me. My best friend, my greatest fan and now, my downfall. I never thought I was naive before, or gullible. I knew that down deep inside I was far too sensitive for my own good, that my emotions would get the best of me, but I never really thought that I was naive.

Now I see that I was; that all of my life I have believed in people, put my faith in people...it didn't really matter who the person was; I'd believe in him or her. "Everyone has some good in them" I thought, "you just have to peel back the layers to find it, sometimes". Now I know better. My once flower child heart is now hardening. No more is the girl that would just believe. I'm done with believing. I have no faith. People are to me now, just trouble, time and tears...and I don't have the stamina for it.

Oh how I long for the days when I could close my eyes and see a fairytale. The days where I had someone to believe in; a fantasy, a dream, a friend. Now all I see are double edged swords, crossed fingers and chicken hawks that prey on the weak and vulnerable. Now all I see is me, being weak and vulnerable and everyone seems to want a piece of that.

Everyone I talk to wants me to trust them, to lean on them, to share with them. But I can't. One more betrayal will break me. Even the people I have known forever don't ring true anymore. "What is it they can gain from this?" I question. "how can they use this to hurt me?" I wonder. and I back away, quietly. I don't trust you. because if the one person that I have believed in and trusted for twenty years can hurt me like this, what can you do to me?

I want my rose colored glasses back. I want my faith back. I want the stuff back that he stole and pawned. But most of all, I want my poetry back you fucking chicken hawk! You do not deserve it! 

Twenty years, twenty years, twenty years... I want my twenty years back. I could have used them on someone else that truly deserved them.