Sunshine for you

I bet you didn't know that I'm bursting with sunshine. I imagine that when you look at me you just see me. Maybe you see a little twinkle in my eyes or a shine to my rosey cheeks and don't think anything at all. Perhaps I'm just one of the girls; one more face in the crowd.

You can't see me with your eyes.

If you mean to see me, really see me, you have to come a little closer. Feel the weight of my hand on your shoulder, feel the warmth that my fingertips penetrate into your flesh. Feel the strength that I share with you through touch. Feel the comfort that the fire within me builds.

If you want to see me, really see me, you have to listen with your heart. Hear the words that flow from lips; I speak only truth when I tell you that you are beautiful. Hear the tone as my words cross my tongue and I tell you how strong you are; how you matter. Hear the secrets hidden in between my words and know that when I am building you up, giving you confidence and telling you that you can do anything you put your heart to, I am really saying "I love you".

If you need to see me, really see me, you have to listen to the songs I sing. Know that each song is a little gift of me that I am trying to let you see. You have to read my words and know that for me, there are no lies in my OWN words; This is where my truth lives. When I tell you that are perfect in your own imperfections and that my only wish is for you to see the you that I see, I mean it, From the very depths of my soul.

I bet you didn't know that I can light up a room. I bet you didn't know that I can warm a heart. I bet you didn't know that I'm bursting with sunshine. And I burn for you, for all of you.

After the fall

I've got something inside me that is just screaming to come out. So many feelings that I haven't the faintest idea how to annunciate. I'm not sure how this happened! I went from this meek little kitten that thought she could handle the world to a neglected, abused cat that was truly frightened and broken...to finally grow in to the proud, strong, wild Lioness that I always wished I was.

I've got my own back now. I need only the love of my child to survive. I feel like I have lived through the end of the world, to climb out of the rubble, stumble to the highest point, raise my arms and scream "I DID IT, AND YOU COULDN"T STOP ME!!"

What is this really saying though? Yeah, I'm strong, I'm proud, I'm a survivor. But am I? Which parts of me survived? The essentials. Of course...But no, wait, maybe not... I still have all the parts that previously were melded into whom I was, all except one. I have lost my ability to trust completely.

You may think that that is not that important, but it is. with out complete trust, how can I ever love completely? I know myself well enough to know that I will never love that way again; it's too dangerous. That part of me died in the fall. I love, yes, I love, just not with my all.

I don't want to be bogged down, owned, dependent. I want to be alone, strong, me.

hmmmm....That doesn't sound bad at all.

I suppose

I suppose I have faced it all then. Now that it's a year later and I have cried over it until I can't even see my own image anymore. I have screamed and cursed and hated...Loved, then hated again...And maybe I'm talking about me here and you should stop seeing yourself in MY words.
I suppose that I have accepted it finally. Every battle scar that I wear now like a shiny new shade of shadow that covers the dark circles under my eyes from staying up night after night with a sick baby, alone.
I suppose that now that I have appeared before a judge and wiped that presence out of my photo albums and replaced it with a crisp judgment that says "this woman is enough", I can let go.
I suppose I am done now that I have arms that love me from across the province and over the phone and in my dreams. Now that I have a love that every morning wakes me up with a look that says I have succeeded and finally become me.

I suppose that it's probably time that the thought of what was done is replaced by the knowledge of what will come.